Back in the earlier days of the miggy I was definitely one of the best candidates for a padded cell and a nice jacket with leather straps, I was sitting at my computer desk the other day trying to think of another article/articles to write for The Crypt, shit, like normal, my mind had gone blank, so I decided to look through some of my back issues of The Crypt in the hope of finding some of my old articles to try to re-kindle my lost talent of my own personal madcap humour, in my past days with The Crypt I was younger, and my mind was pretty alert, but over the years sometime age tends to dull your mind, it has done that with mine these past few months.
Then there it was, one of my articles that creased me up when I re-read it at the time of writing it in order to make sure it sounded right, so I started to read it again, and do you know, that even now it still had that streak of insanability, and it still creased me up even after all this time.
The article below was written by me in the days before our Crypt diskmag had been created, Ray Hawkins, myself, Ray's son Justin, and Ray's daughter Jenny and Ray's wife Wendy were all part of the mag called Bits 'n' Bytes, which started originally as a WB orientated diskmag, it was good in our earlier days of the miggy, considering that both Ray and myself had not long before that came over from the Amstrad 464 and 6128 machines, but looking back at those times, I realise how naff and limited the mag was, and how much we didn't know about the miggy, but over the years Ray, myself and others have learnt so much about this great machine that with this machine still being around and even stronger and so supported nowadays it makes it possible to bring a quality diskmag as The Crypt to you all in whatever ever part of the world you live in because the miggy is able to be connected to new hardware such as modems and the like.
Anyway, I'll bugger off now and let you read on, I hope you get as much chuckles out of it as I did by creating it...
This short story is the rantings of a madman. Well they all call me that when they either can't think of my name or I don't dip my hands in my pockets to buy the next round of drinks. But my friends this story will chill every inch of your body, and chill the very ground that you tread in life's quest to answer that all important question...... "What Prat thought of Bits'n'Bytes as the name of our disk-mag".
My friends, please read on and this all important secret that has haunted our very minds since the eons of time (Well last year to be precise), will be told to you for the price of a packet of fags.
It all started one eerie night (What, in a closed deserted diner?) Na, in a smelly smoke-filled bedroom/computer room in Leamington Spa. The dark demon, better known to his coven as Steve, was in the arduous task of thinking up a terrifying name for his and his Co-conspirator (Ray) disk-mag. The name had to be really terrifying, it had to be a name that even made Lucifer himself tremble at the thought of hearing.
Was the name to be that of an ancient druid demon killer? No it wasn't. Was it to be the name of an medieval magic potion for sending Lucifer and his demons back to wence they came, thus closing the gates of hell for another millennium? No, the name had to be more powerful than the 4 elements of life itself and even more horrific than the cast of Neighbours, Home and Haveitaway, and Emmerdale combined together. Yes, yes, yes, I can hear the name being chanted by the horsemen of death themselves...."BITS'N'BYTES", bloody hell, is that it, oh woweeee, scary or what?
And yet, although the sacred name was small in stature, it was gigantic in content. And so the ancient scriptures was right when they said that a great forthcoming was in the offing. And so it came to pass that in the year of Raymond (Prince of Editors) Stardate 2427.996 and 3 quarters.
The name of BITS 'N' BYTES was born (well it was around 2427.981, but who gives a toss nowadays about the odd 10.5 years, not me for one).
The Wizards of Aphrodite came together to begin their long awaited quest, but we know these wizards by their modern-day names of Ray and Wendy Hawkins, Ray Smith, Ian Dawney, Steve Hyde, Antoinette O'Donnell and Oisin O'Reilly. Before they started their various tasks they had to summons up the nectar of Jupiter, well in actual fact the men got their wife's to put the kettle on, make some tea and stick some choccy biscuits on the saucer, all with exception of the Master Wizard, who was called Raymond (Prince of Editors), but we all know the old sod better as Ray (Open Me Another Can Of Newcastle Brown Ale, And I'll Tell You A Few Rude Jokes) Hawkins.
Raymond (Prince of Editors), seeing the lesser wizards drinking tea ordered their heads cut off (NO), but he did order a 69, a 45 and two 6's at his local chinese take-away. The 69 was a very nice dish, I think it was fish. The 45 was a load of sheep's testicles (or as Raymond would call them, a load of B---ocks). The two 26's was in fact 4 bowls (No 13) of fried lice (hmm, fried rice) which had been spilt twice.
Their quest was to design and create a disk-mag that was more exciting to read than the Sunday Sport on a Monday, but at the same time full of news, views, hints and tips, which going by that description is like the Sunday Sport, except the info in the SS is fictional, stuff in B&B is fact.
Then suddenly Raymond (the Prince of Editors) the master wizard had a sudden gush of wisdom "I think I'll open another can of Newcastle Brown Ale and light up another fag" was one of his ideas, but the idea that stuck in his intellectual mind and made him ask his wife,"Wendy (Princess of Editors) where shall we go for our annual holiday"? The Princess of Editors replied in a very female voice (that is because she is female), "Can we go to the pier at Bognor Regis my Prince",she inquired. "Don't be so silly", Raymond snorted, "we already live near there,"I would prefer to go somewhere more exotic such as Scunthorpe or Clacton",he bellowed.
Meanwhile in a dark secluded computer room in the bowels of hell, well somewhere nearby in a place called Charles Street of Rugby, the mundane chatterings of a madman was echoing through the spirals of time, and in the dark, partly light corner of his room, Steven (Send Me Your Dirty Girlie Mags) Hyde, and sarcastic mental case of B&B was searching for an all important scroll. Well an address of his contact Oisin to be precise which Steve had previously scribbled on the back of a second-hand packet of Durex Featherlite.
The scroll in question was the key to unlock the port-hole to the world of Trekkie fans. It's keeper was Oisin the Vulcan, who had a part-time job as a leprechaun. His task was to keep the Klingon's at bay, which was done with the aid of a Des O'Connor golden oldie record and a re- cycled pink toilet roll plus an Atari ST User-Manual.
But Oisin's most helpful adversary was Ray of Smith the car-boot king. If you ever wanted anything including a car-boot then Ray 'S' was your wizard. Ray Smith had no real powers like the other wizards, but he did have one ace up his sleeve that made all Klingon's and Ferengi shiver at the thought of his name. Ray Smith did live in Bilston in the West Midlands and was a fully paid-up member of the "I'm a Lumberjack and I don't care" society.
And during their teamship, Oisin (the Vulcan) and Ray (the car-boot king) had successfully on many occasions foiled the attempts of various Klingon's to stick to their victims like glue wherever they went.
One such wizard who was taken aback by all the goings on with the Klingon's was a female novice wizard. Her name was Anto Of Spittal and she was a GCSE expert. GCSE in her case stood for "Goblins Can See Everything". Anto Of Spittal had several other skills including one ancient skill. She was the only living person in Ireland who still owned an Amstrad. The Amstrad was in fact not a computer like some of us thought, but an ancient battleshield which protected her against the evils of the Mordoc.
The Mordoc were an evil race of young midgets, or as they are much better known to her as the tots at her local infants school. They were a mischievous bunch, who had strange powers, such as shaking hands with you but not wiping their fingers which had ripped through toilet paper. They tended to shake hands with you upon meeting you for the very first time,which left you feeling somewhat strange and also with a very smelly hand. But Anto of Spittal handled all these situations in the way that only a true novice female wizard knew how, she didn't bloody shake hands with the infants.
One wizard that still baffles me to this very day is Ian of Dawney. This wizard is very powerful and collects ancient spells to cast on the unweary. One such spell is called a VIC-20 and another a C64, but we know not what these spells do. Ian of Dawney carries a powerful ancient dicus with him at all times. He calls this discus DeLuxe Paint III, and with it is able to conjure up wicked scenes.
One wizard in my view does shine out amongst all the rest of us her name is Wendy of Bersted. She slaves over a hot wand all day, works all night, and still finds time to clear the beer bottles and cans that have manifested themselves at her beloved husbands feet. Her son and chief elf, Justin of the Sea, who apart from being a part-time prawn angler and deputy-head of whelk bashing, likes to send his Sega-Megadrive on missions of mercy by zapping the shit out of helpless aliens.
This merry bunch of the Bits'n'Bytes wizards are a somewhat powerful but sane lot, all except the Co-Editor, who was once classed alongside such greats as Quasimodo, Mr Bean, Mr Blobby, Zippy, George, Bungle & Geoffrey of Rainbow fame. Our Co-Editor got his very OTT wit from his father, who was a stand-in stuntman for postman pat, but at that time racism was very high, the black & white cat had to be called the coloured & white cat.
The Hyde family lived next door to the fire station at Trumpton, but had to leave because their house got burnt down on a Sunday morning. Trumpton fire station as we all know is always closed on Sundays for church..........And if you think that after writing this extremely OTT story that I am all there and in control of my senses and mental state of mind, then you are ALL AS MAD AS HATTERS like me......So, They're coming to take me away hahahehehahaha......That's the lot for now, help me, I can't find my way back to my padded cell (hmmm).
Well, I knocked this bit of nonsense up in between sticking my finger in my ear and putting a deck-chair up my nose